Monday, January 2, 2012

I'm putting my wife to sleep

Tonight's blog is being written for the sole purpose of putting my wife to sleep.  You see, she gets insane relaxation when she hears the white noise of typing.  And she says I breathe a certain way when I type also.  She really wants to go to sleep and she insisted on me writing in my blog tonight so here it is.  I would tell her that she'd be able to go to sleep a whole lot easier if she would put her phone down and stop answering text messages, but what do I know.

This is the beginning of the year and we all know what that means.  Big box, commercial, globo-gyms will be absolutely packed to the rafters with new people wanting to come in, start their New Year's resolutions, and take up space as they aimlessly wonder about through the gym without knowing where they are going or what they are doing.  So to help them in their quest to become magically fit in the next 30 -60 days before their motivation runs out and they stop coming, I am putting out a list of simple gym etiquette they need to follow.  If you are one of these members, please follow this list and do not stray far from it.

  1. Please know that the treadmill can go faster than 2.0 mph.  It really can.  Most of the treadmills go up to 10, maybe 12 mph.  It even has an incline that you can use to simulate walking a hill.  You may not need this yet, but should you choose to stay past the initial 30-60 days of your membership, you may try this out.  Please do not be afraid of going 2.5, 3.0, or maybe even 3.5 mph on the treadmill.  You will get better results if you move more.  
  2. If you are 40 and you haven't lifted a weight since you were the star of your high school football team, please do not jump on the squat rack and decide your going to do what your idiot coach in high school told you to do because you think you are just as strong now as you were then.  After all, you're a man now!  If you do that, you will hurt yourself.  Not maybe, you will.  Start with bodyweight squats, maybe go to the hip sled with some light weights.  And please, for the love of God, if you insist on using the squat rack, only do squats there.  If I see you do curls on that thing I will throw a kettlebell at you.  You've been warned.  
  3. Please shower.  I realize the gym is a melting pot of many different cultures, lifestyles, races, and nationalities.  That's great, I'm glad to see so many people catch that fitness bug.  But please shower.  Use some form of deodorant, soap, something.  When the treadmills are literally 4 inches from each other and the free weight area has benches that are about 4 feet from each other, every scent, odor, aroma, funk, whatever coming out of your body is seeped into the air and whiffed by everyone in a 10 foot radius, if not more.  The gym can be a sweaty place anyway.  Please don't make it worse.  Conversely, if you are into perfumes/colognes, wait until after you are done.  That can be just as bad.  
  4. Finally, if you don't know how to use something, ask one of the staff.  NOT THE GUY NEXT TO YOU.  He is trying to get his workout in and become the buff beast he see's in Muscle and Fitness magazine.  He's not there to help you.  The staff is.  Talk to them.  If they are not available, which is possible, find someone at the front desk.  But please do not have another gym goer show you how to adjust the seated biceps curl machine.  
I could come up with a list a lot longer than this but I think my wife is finally asleep.   Hopefully now I can get back to my Monday Night Raw updates.  Yes, I am that big of a nerd.  Shut up.

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